(I guess this has been sitting in my drafts for almost a year and I don’t see myself revisiting this in any way soon so I’m posting as-is)
when i was a kid i got scared pretty easily from a lot of different things which is probably why i didn’t really start watching horror movies until the middle of high school. this post will be a work in progress
when i was two and we were moving from california to south dakota i guess we stopped at a circus in nevada. there was a clown there that shook my hand and when he grabbed my hand there was a loud honking noise and it was the scariest thing in the world and clowns are fucking terrible
the box art to drakhen
the first part of lagoon when you go into the castle
the jungle level in yoshi’s story, specifically the part where there’s the giant fish that can kill you in one hit
really just any “insta-kill” segment of a video game when i was growing up
As someone who is dangerously approaching 100k tweets this might sound like an incredibly hypocritical statement but I’ve never really enjoyed talking about my personal life online, or in general really. Doubly hypocritical that this Note has become so long that I made it into a blog post instead of the original plan which was a couple screencaps of my Notes app and calling it a day! This was, with no exaggeration, one of the most difficult years of my life. There’s a plethora of events and issues and bullshit that has happened over 2018 but I wanted to package a few of those snapshots as I reflect on the year as a whole.
This has been something I’ve put off for a long time for various reasons but has helped me tremendously in understanding myself and being able to communicate that with others. The burnout from school, the stressors I have in my life as I try to keep everything balanced, and a myriad of other cards I keep a little closer to my heart have been difficult to process, but having someone in my life focused on working through this with me has been wonderful. I strongly recommend therapy if you can afford it!!! It has been such an important outlet in my life, for real.
As of now, I’ve quit drinking for about a month, so this is still a newish development. This is another aspect of my life that I don’t particularly enjoy talking about on here, and it’s still far too early for me to honesty feel any pride from this decision but I can at least acknowledge that my life feels more grounded in a proper direction after making this change. However, I don’t want to romanticize sobriety in any way, this shit sucks lmfaooo. Honestly, if you drink, and you are capable of doing so in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or *especially* others, then go for it! I’m not like, suddenly morally opposed to alcohol and recognize that there may be a point in my life where I could allow myself to have a more complementary relationship with it. As of right now, there are very specific personal reasons and goals I’d like to work on in the next year or so and I simply don’t want that aspect of my life complicating things anymore.
Landon and I started our podcast “Shipped! My Game” this year! Now that I no longer work at a radio station I’ve missed having that part of my life (talking about bullshit), and working on Shipped has been a good creative outlet for me to fill that void and has been a project I’m really looking forward to improving in 2019.
I just wanted to only briefly touch base on this one since I *never* talk about my job online (and I do NOT like to!) but there were a couple of projects I got to work on this year that I felt very proud of. This was the first full year away from school for me so there have been a lot of really tough hurdles and challenges that I’ve made it through.
This year, I’ve had former friends outed as abusers and watched various friendships implode/fall apart/fade out all along the way. That’s simply a part of life I guess, especially at my age, but it’s always fucking hard, always fucking painful. Being away from people I love and care about has made me realize how strained a lot of my relationships have become, and it’s been difficult for me to wrestle with what kind of space I can occupy in other people’s lives. It’s obviously not all been bad! I’ve reached out to people I haven’t spoken to in years, gotten closure on various chapters in my life, witnessed friends fall in love and get married, and lived experiences with others that I will cherish forever. I have always felt uniquely lucky to have the selection of people in my life that I do, and the weight of this year would have been nearly insurmountable without them.
I’ve definitely fucked up my finances treMENDOUSLY which is hilarious because I definitely remember setting up my YNAB budgeting plan precisely at this time 365 days ago. I feel bad waxing poetic about my financial woes online because I recognize that I have it a *lot* better than others. I’m salaried, and have incredible benefits that put me in a much more privileged position than a lot of others out there. With that in mind, a combination of student loans and living without roommates has definitely taken a toll on my finances, and buying big dumb expensive shit has, for far too long, been one of my chronic coping mechanisms. I’d really love to get this under control by doing a more honest, weekly evaluation of my spending habits, cutting down on expensive eating, and buying maybe 1/2 or 1/4 the amount of vinyl records I do every year.
Outside of learning a bit about audio stuff with the podcast and rock climbing a couple times a week, all of my other personal projects fell off hard lately. I stopped knitting, barely did any drawing (didn’t finish inktober again)…. or writing… or reading… obviously, this blog has been barely updated!! Even personal programming projects dropped off basically since September 2017. Without getting too deep into “Don’t Wanna Talk About It” territory, I didn’t do such a stellar job of taking personal inventory of myself over my seven years of college. As a result, I got slammed pretty hard with burnout shortly after moving away from home. I’ve only just recently stopped having nightmares about homework and thesis writing! It’s heartbreaking to have such a strained relationship with academia, especially because of the memories, the connections I made, and the fact I’d love to go back and get a PhD *eventually*, but a year away has made me realize that I was burning the candle on both ends *and* the middle for quite a long time. That being said, I’d love to carve out a healthy amount of time for creative projects again in 2019. For better or for worse, I’m happiest when I have a lot of spinning plates; I just need to be better about the Mental-Health Algebra required to keep everything actually balanced. I have a VERY long-term project I’m not ready to announce (mostly in case I drop it LMAO) that I want to pursue *really* aggressively starting…. well I guess I already started it. Soon, let’s say…
I apologize for being very intentionally obtuse but I have a Ton Of Shit planned for 2019. Hopefully I’ll work on this site more, and populate it with cool posts, short essays, and status updates on sobriety, projects, personal events, and accomplishments. I have a handful of weddings (including my sister’s!!! Omg❤️) and other experiences that I’m really looking forward to. Like I said earlier, 2018 was one of the hardest years of my life, but I have never felt more determined to take on a new year. I feel like I am at a very decisive turning point in my life, and I’m excited to take that leap of faith.
I did use msn messenger, which was probably lamer than AIM but I’m not sure if it was either an age thing or a regional thing but basically everyone I knew was using msn so yeah.
One really distinct moment I had was using messenger back in 2004 and setting my away message to some lyrics to the song “Jacqueline” off of the first Franz Ferdinand album that had come out around that time.
The lyrics went
"Gregor was down again,
said, 'Come on, kick me again'
Said, 'I'm so drunk, I don't mind if you kill me'"
obviously at the time I was like twelve years old so I’d never drank or partied before so the idea of connecting with this line in any way at that age is laughable but still, I really liked the song and that line seemed cool to me.
Anyways. One of my friends told me their grandparents saw my away message and it really upset them that their grandkids would interact with someone who’d say that, not realizing they were song lyrics
The pixar one. It’s about the family of superheroes or whatever. WEll the premise of it is, like, only people who are born with superpowers should be heroes. The bad guy, Syndrome or whatever, just wants to be a superhero like the ones he looks up to. And then at the end of the movie he gets killed because not being born with natural skills is a bad thing. He tries to become a superhero by building a super suit and super technology and by all means he should be a genius, but the geniuses at the Disney Corporation decided that being smart and working hard are actually The Bad Guy Traits and as such he is the villain and he gets killed.
So the anime My Hero Academia
Is about a boy (Boku No Hero Academia btw is the name of the show in Japan) so yeah it’s about a boy name Izuku AKA Deku and in this world there are tons of heroes (think like the Incredibles) but not everyone is born with superpowers (yeah once again like the Incredibles) and Deku is one of the people who isn’t born with superpowers but he looks up to the greatest superhero of all time named All Might who is kinda like Captain America or like Captain Falcon or whatever he’s really cool and powerful and I don’t wantt to spoil the show for you but All Might is dying sort of and he passes down his abilities to Deku so Deku can become a superhero and go to superhero school. Because our hero was not born with his superpowers he has to work really really hard to achieve his dreams (once again, kinda like the villain in The Incredibles, the Disney Movie) but instead of being a villain and being murdered Deku is a good guy. Oh I just realized I spoiled the Incredibles for you guys by telling you that Syndrome gets killed by being sucked up in a jet turbine and I am sorry but the movie is old as hell and everyone loves Pixar movies so you’ve already seen it anyways and there’s a sequel coming out in 15 years (the Incredibles 2) so i’m just giving you a nice little plot synopsis anyways. Back to our precious boy
Look at this Sweet Precious Boy he’s the star of My Hero Academia and even though he isn’t born with superhero powers, he eventually receives a power (they call powers “Quirks” in the show) and he works hard every single day so that he can become a hero and protect his mom and everyone he cares about.
SO what i’m really trying to get at here is that the Incredibles (Disney Movie from the year 2004)’s message was Only the “Supreme” people Born with Talents and Gifts are Superior, and Anyone who Is not Born with Gifts deserves to dIE, even if you work hard at it every day, if it’ isn’t your God-Given natural talent, you Don’t Deserve to Be Happy. In My Hero Academia, the moral of the story is that Anyone can be a hero, and hard work and determination have true value.
This is why anime is better
[Also what is the deal with anime intros never being allowed on youtube i was going to post the intro to Boku No Hero but it’s not on youtube so here’s a video that says its supposed to be the intro song but it definitely full fucking stop ISN’T but it’s still pretty coool]
The problem with spending 7 years in university learning things is now I have to prove for the rest of my life that I spent 7 years in university learning things.
I want to spend this whole summer working on cool programming projects but I’m still burned out from writing a thesis.
I had lunch with an old friend today and it was really nice. It made me realize that, after I move, I really need to put in honest efforts to stay in touch with the people that matter to me. I probably won’t, but it’s nice sentiment to think about.
My roommate moved out last night and the first thing I did was eat some of his food from the freezer.
I’m anxious about passing a drug test even though I’ve pointedly never done drugs in my entire life. That’s pretty messed up.
Kinda feels like a Drink Beer and Play FTL sort of night am I right fellas